Teens and Rebellion

 

 How to Overcome Rebellion

 
What all parents should know:
 
“I love you, but I don’t love your choices.” This is your motto when parenting a rebellious teenager.  Your love for them should never go way; no matter how frustrated, angry, upset, or embarrass you may be as a parent your love for them should never dissolve. Easier said than done. But if you can keep this motto and even express this to your child:
 
“I love you, but I don’t love your choices. My love for you will never go away and there is nothing you can do to take away my love for you. But right now I don’t love your behaviors and I don’t love the choices you have made recently.”
 
Now there is no perfect teenager. Matter of fact rebellion occurs in ALL teenagers; but not all teenagers rebel the same way. Rebellion can either be constructive or it can be destructive. Some teens rebel in ways that do not hurt friends, parents, siblings or themselves. These teens have chosen a wiser way to test adulthood and were a good steward to the freedom they were given. Remember there is purpose in rebellion. Some of the most important lessons your child will learn in life will come from the lessons learned from their rebellious behaviors in their teens.
 
 
Why does rebellion sometimes occur:
  • Inconsistent parenting: This occurs when the parent does not follow through with their promises, consequences, and what they say. In this case the child develops an ambivalent relationship with the parent in which causes the child to not trust the parent which then results in rebellious behaviors. When there is no trust between the child and the parent, the result will always be rebellion.
  • Modeling their peers: Have you ever wondered where your child learned to be disrespectful or where they picked up their foul language? Try their friends and peers. Unfortunately, and you may already know this, some of your child’s friends may disrespect their parents and have a foul mouth around their family and they get away with it! Your child sees that and now questions why I can’t behave like that at home, with my family, to my parents. In result they start testing the new behaviors they saw their friends model.
  • Both spouses are not on the same page: The number one reason for rebellion is both parents are not on the same page. This is when parents can’t agree on consequences, house rules, expectations for grades and school, expectations for sports, allowances, driving, or with church and spirituality. And the parents stand divided instead of standing as one. The most common example can be seen when one parent is the “disciplinarian” and the other is the “fun parent”. When a child sees their parents not on the same page they have to choose “sides” or choose one parent to align with. Usually the child picks the parent who is the most lenient and gives them the most freedom. You can’t blame the child for their decision, the responsibility is on the parents to be on and get on the same page. Usually when parents are not on the same page about parenting, it’s because they are not on the same page in their marriage. There seems to be a direct correlation with a poor marriage results poor parenting. And until the parents get on the same page and get the professional help they need, the rebellion of the child can’t be resolved (A great book to help get parents on the same page is Boundaries for Teens by Townsend).
  • A distant parent-child relationship: This self explanatory. If you don’t have a relationship with your child, then your child will do what ever he/she wants when ever they want to. Furthermore, when there is a distant parent-child relationship it usually results in a parentified child. Meaning the child starts telling the parent how they should behave, how their relationship should be, and what they want from their mother or father. When this occurs this should be a sign for you to start reconnecting and spending more time with your child.
  • Spoiled child: When you give your child everything they want and without earning it; you now have created an empowered teenager that knows one thing: “I deserve and expect to get what ever I want, whenever I want too, and if I don’t I will make life miserable at home for everyone.” An empowered is difficult to overcome but is possible with the help of a counselor. 
The key to overcoming rebellion is to stop it once it occurs. Don’t let your child get away with the trouble behavior over and over again. Once you see the symptoms of rebellion, confront it and have a heart to heart conversation with your child immediately.
 
Rebellion can turn into empowerment if not confronted immediately!
 
How do I handle trust?
 
Trust is something that is very important to the parent and child. Usually trust dictates how much freedom the teenager is allowed. Trust is something that should be communicated and if possible communicated when a child becomes a teenager. The following is an example of a proper way to express trust in regards to your relationship with your teenager:
 
“You have my trust. The only person who can take that away is you. I’m going to make a decision to trust you, and if something happens where I question that trust, I’m going to check it out. I’m not going to automatically stop trusting you. But if the trust is damaged, then we will discuss what needs to happen to restore the trust.”
 
When trust is broken there should always be specific guidelines to how your teenager can earn it back. I suggest the following to earn back trust:
 
  • Choose a specific action/behavior you want to see from your teen and make it appropriate.
  • Choose a specific time limit you want to see the behavior for.
For example, if your teen was late for a 10pm curfew, then an appropriate behavior to earn back your trust would be having your teenager come home at 8pm for 2 weeks.
 
Once your teenager has shown you the behavior you want for the amount of time designated, trust has now been restored.
 
How should I Discipline My Teenager?
 
When to discipline:
  • When you are no longer emotionally reactant and when your teen is no longer emotional reactant. Its okay to allow space before discipline occurs. It’s okay to allow even two days before you decide the consequence. Remember nothing can be fixed and nothing can be said when there is anger in your teenager or with you, the parent.
  • When you and your spouse are on the same page. You and your spouse must agree on what the discipline should be (an action or behavior for a certain amount of time).
What should the Consequences be?
 
First of all consequence can either be removing a desirable object or adding an undesirable chore or assignment to the teens life. Remember its Consequences vs. Nagging. This is not a time to nag your child or to complain or make fun of your child. Don’t welcome an argument either. You are the parent and once you welcome an argument you are now on equal grounds with your child.
  • Be consistent (if you say you are going to do it then do it):
  • Be specific
  • It must matter to the teen for it to be effective. The teen must be emotionally invested the object you take away. For example:
    • If your teen is a gamer and likes XBOX 360, then taking away the gaming system for a few days would be appropriate action to take.
    • If you have a child who is more of a loner and lover their music; restricting them to their room with an IPod wouldn’t be the best consequence.
    • This is where being attuned with your child and what they love and enjoy is important.
  • Do not intervene with natural consequences (don’ save them) because these are the best consequences. For example:
    • Losing a friend for being selfish or gossiping
    • Getting kicked off the sports team for grades or not going to practice
    • Spending the night at the police station for loitering after curfew
    • Missing out on going to the movies due to spending there allowance earlier in the week.
It’s good for the consequence to be relatable to the crime:
  • If your teen acts out with his friends…then restrict him from his friends.
  • If your teen uses cell phone/computer past their curfew…then take it away for a period of time.
  • If your teen has a party and trashes the house… then extra household chores for a period of time.
VERY IMPORTANT:
Consequences should never be something that is positive in your teens life (i.e. sports, music or art lessons, or church activities).But if your teen is involve with drugs or alcohol, support groups trump sports and art lessons.
 
· Rule of thumb: The correct consequence is the least lenient consequence and one that the change behavior occurs over time (don’t go overboard).
·  But realize If i'ts too lenient then this can create more disrespect from your teen.
 
What if nothing matters to your child and no consequence works? Basically if you are at the point where nothing works then your child may be depressed or detached from you. Meaning their heart maybe so disconnected from you that no consequence will work until you decide to first work on the rebuilding the relationship first. Therefore, its time to search for your child’s heart, and reconnect with them. If absolutely nothing works then don’t hesitate and call a professional to help.

more to come soon!!!